Mine!

Stream of consciousness from November 17th

I want to share more! It’s a bit surprising that I still find it so hard to do so. In my drafts sit loaves of bread that have been over kneaded beyond repair. Essays that may have started out delicious but that I beat into oblivion with over editing and over thinking. So here is a journal entry I wrote in November. You can’t edit a journal entry, it simply is what it is! Some sections have periods and some don’t, and still, life goes on. Proper grammar is out for 2025! Live a little!

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I had a poem in my mind
but I got distracted
crunching leaves.
It was good, the poem
and the leaves.

I sit with my hot water bottle
	mine!
My stomach hurts
I ate too much milk chocolate
My youth evades me


Rich in most every sense
Clean water
Hot water bottle
Deep couch, many socks, savings
Yet wanting a cashmere sweater
Despicable
I have it all 
But I was taught to want more
So I do

Cursed with thinking
My thoughts consume me
Seeping out of my head &
Controlling everything around me
If only


When I talk about the stars,
the wind, my soul
Shyness takes over
“It is rude to flaunt my awareness to others” 
I tell myself
But I fear I am a fraud, 
That my connection is simply a thought, a poem.
Real to me, and me alone.
Am I too young and naive for enlightenment?
Probably. 
My past lives are itching for me to grow up. 
“STAY FOCUSED!” they yell
But I am too distracted crunching leaves

A poem came to me, 
of course I mean a thought came to me
It left as soon as I got my pen out
	mine!
My mind taunts me
And I feel it in my chest
Is this what mind-body connection is?
How would I know, my mind is only ever going in every direction. 
“STAY FOCUSED!”
But my stomach hurts! I ate too much milk chocolate. 
I have to go scroll on Instagram from my desktop until it makes me sad
Can’t scroll from my phone anymore,
trying to reduce my screen time.
It doesn’t count on desktop, 
it takes longer to make me sad.

I feel so insignificant, what a pathetic thought!
“STAY FOCUSED!”
Tonight I was going to make a list for 2025. 
20 books chosen ahead of time, leaving plenty of space for books found in the moment. 
But I got distracted. 
Crunching leaves.
And scrolling on Instagram on my desktop
Which doesn’t count!
Just makes me sad.